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Riding the rails each day back and forth to work offers me ample time to observe my fellow human beings. One thing that I have noticed over the years are that many men have a complete and utter disregard for their outward appearance, mannerisms, and basic hygiene. Oh yeah, I’m gonna go there! Yes, I am!
Point in case this morning – “the nose hair” guy. Really? It’s probably the easiest thing to take care of. They sell small trimming scissors and battery operated tools to buzz those suckers right down. Just trim once a week so you don’t look like a freaking party favor when breathing. While you’re at it also trim those trees growing out of your ears. No one wants to see hair sprouting out of every orifice on your head. Nothing wrong with a bit of manscaping on the noggin once in a while.
Then there are those that seem to think showering and odor care are not a viable option. Holy heck people take a damn shower! B.O. is no bueno! Now, I know sometimes it is a physical and chemical problem for some guys, but still, have you been to any drugstores lately or even watched tv? There are ads for that Old Spice dude on a horse, those other dudes getting chased by women after using Axe body spray, and colognes that won’t assault people around you. Life is to short to smell like dirty ass all the time. Bathe -with soap or body wash. Wash your clothes – with detergent. Apply some powder to stay fresh. Spray on some nice smelling cologne but not too much. Don’t you ever wonder why people move away from you in the subway?
Which leads to the guy who does not know what “personal space” is all about. There is hardly anyone in this subway car. So why do you walk in and stand right next to me? Dude, back off! There should be a three-foot barrier around each person and if you cross over it you will be jolted with electricity. Same goes for the guy who has to use the treadmill right next to mine at the gym even when all the rest are empty. (And he usually smells bad. See above paragraph.)
What is that snipping noise? Oh gross! Why are you clipping your nails in public? I have seen this over and over in the subways and trains I have been on. Clip. Clip. Clip. Nail bits flying everywhere. That is so gnarly. I appreciate the effort to keep them neat but do that at home please. Also, I hate seeing guys with long fingernails. It’s just nasty looking. Keep them cut down so you don’t look like a chick. Same goes for guys who insist on wearing sandals. If your toes look all beat up with dirty nails and toe-jam you really need to check yourself before heading out the door. Clean that hot mess up.
Brush your damn teeth! I really don’t want to see what you ate for breakfast this morning, or worse yet, dinner from last night stuck in your teeth. Mouthwash and rinse too. So many decent flavors to keep your breath fresh. If you are talking to me and my eyes tear up you know there is a problem.
The comb-over. The extreme comb-over. The incredibly bad toupee that should have a chin strap attached to it. I get the most giggly when I see these. They are like the golden unicorns. When you see one you have to make a mental checkpoint in your head. They are just too funny, sad, and pathetic at the same time. Men, if you lose enough of your hair that you resort to any of these please think twice or it’s really game over. Shave it off. That, or keep it cut high and tight. Guys like The Rock, Steve Austin, and Bruce Willis went with the chrome-dome look and they are still bad ass. Take a cue from these dudes. Can you imagine The Rock with a comb-over? Uh, no. (It would be incredibly funny looking though!)
Ok, that is enough with my rant from the pulpit of men for today. Heading out to lunch and hoping to find a few golden unicorns on the way!
This post was originally posted by Phil Holtberg on theregularnyc.com! The post has been shared with permission from the author.
Growing Up Bronx