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For as long as I can remember, my mind has always wanted to be “sad.” The last couple of days I’ve been feeling extra down while simultaneously feeling a bit angry. I’m not entirely sure what it’s about, though I have my suspicions. That being said, this article isn’t about the cause but about the process I use to fight back and survive.
For as long as I can remember, simply “doing” things has been the best way I cope with depression and the ever present darkness within. I’m not saying that this is the best or the right way, fuck if I know. All I can tell you is that this is the way I have survived my bouts with depression.
I’ll illustrate this for you using the last few days as an example. On Friday I went to work and I trained Brazilian Jiujitsu twice. On Saturday I got up early and taught my Zumba class and then I slept for hours due to exhaustion. When I woke up, I ate some food and then went grocery shopping with the lady. Today I got up, I cleaned up my fuzzy eyebrows, shaved my face, prepared my meals for the week, cleaned all the dishes and then went over to visit my momma bear for Mother’s Day. Now I’m headed home to watch Game of thrones, finish getting things ready for tomorrow, and then I’ll sleep.
See the constant action there? Yes, I’ve had moments I felt bad, but I’ve not stopped moving and I haven’t allowed the demons to take over. They’ve tried, but that’s nothing new, they’ve been trying to take my mind since I was a young child and I’ve managed to fight them back since then. I’ve found my ways to cope and coexists with those sons of bitches.
I had a friend suggest that I should take medication and that I would be so much happier in life. This may be true, I don’t know? Maybe I’m fucked up or imbalanced somewhere in my brain? Again, fuck if I know? Maybe I’m carrying the trauma of my ancestors, epigenetics? Maybe the abuse and violence I experienced growing up is to blame? I don’t know and this is not a knock on anyone who takes meds, but I don’t want to become neither physically or emotionally dependent on any drugs or chemicals for my mental happiness.
I’ve focused on doing this all drug free, not because I have a major problem with drugs, but I hate being dependent on any medication for anything. I’m already forced to take some meds for my blood pressure and migraines, if I could avoid adding any extra while keeping myself moving and busy, then I’m all for it. I guess it goes without saying that writing like this is also very helpful to me.
Are you dealing with emotional trauma? Do you have any coping methods you’d like to share with us? If so, please share in the comments.
Growing Up Bronx