How’s your wife?

This question is not a far fetched question to be asked by a friend, right? Usually I’d agree to this, however; context matters.

There’s this dude that I barely know, we see each other on the street occasionally and don’t even know each other’s name. I want to say that I haven’t seen this dude in over two years, and after he shook my hand, his first question was “how’s your wife.” Then my man start asking me if I have any more kids yet? What the fuck kind of small talk is that?

Yo, you don’t even know how I’m doing, why are you worried about how my wife is doing? Why you asking me about kids? I remember bumping into him one time with my wife, and he seemed to take an interest in my lady that long ago day. I’m not an idiot, I can smell that shit a mile away. So I took up position “alpha mega beast mode you better back the fuck up off my lady” attitude on his ass when he was trying to meet her. Son, why you trying to be all smooth with my wife? I’ll fuck you up homie.

My wife sensed that I was becoming slightly hostile, and I could tell that she was a bit concerned. There was nothing solid done or said, it was all nonverbal posturing and signals being sent.

Y’all know I’m not one to look for any trouble, but you seriously don’t think you gonna try and get to know my wife a la “I’m a flirt” R Kelly style now do you? Shit, you better straight back the fuck up with that bullshit. My momma ain’t raise no fool, and I see what you trying to do. You cannot and will not have any access whatsoever to my wife. Not while I’m in this picture, and I don’t plan on going anywhere! Zero access, no way no how! Ever!

You know, my wife has male friends. And I’ve never had an issue with her keeping her friends. We are both adults and we had lives before we got together. In fact, I know that she’ll meet people in life, but I’m not an idiot.

Sometime ago, she met some dude at a Market America event, and this guy was texting her asking to meet up for dinner or something to talk business. She asked me what I thought and I said that I think his intentions are not just business, but that it was her choice how to proceed. I didn’t draw a hard line on what I thought she should do, I just said what I felt was happening. She blocked the guy herself as she’s not stupid either.

In a case like this guy, I wouldn’t even allow a friendship to exist. I know exactly what his intent is, and he’s not gonna meet my wife through me and try to strike up a friendship. Are you fucking crazy? In this case I would strictly forbid it, even if she wanted to be his friend. If she opted to do so, then we’d have to talk and see what happens. But in this case, I’d draw that hard line with zero room for negotiation. No access, no how, no way, ever!

I greet this guy on the streets out of courtesy, but I got no love for this snake ass motherfucker. Today I barely even recognized his ass, and if he didn’t come over and say “Hey man,” I would have walked right by him. Like I said it’s been years since I see him.

This dude must think I’m some serious high level type of punk who he can play like a fool. Talking about “we should all get together and have a bite sometime,” bring your wife, and I’ll bring mine. Straight up disrespectful. I told him that ain’t gonna happen man!

He seemed taken aback and asked why not bro? It’s quite simple man, I don’t know you, so why would I bring you anywhere near any member of my family? He nodded, I see man, but we can all get to know each other and become friends. Nah man, that’s not how it works with me. I get to know you first, and if we become friends, then maybe I’ll be down to meet your wife, and if I determine that you ain’t a problem, maybe one day we all go out together. You don’t get to sit with my wife by using me as your friend when I don’t even know you. That’s crazy talk bro, I looked at him and said you do realize that is crazy talk right?

I think he understood that I wasn’t having this bullshit idea. I don’t give a fuck if you bring your wife, that doesn’t mean shit to me. The fact you are willing to bring her around a total stranger speaks volumes to me as to how you feel about her. Fuck outta here homie.

I ain’t out here looking for trouble, but the level of disrespect, and straight disregard for my relationship that this guy has, it’s the type of thing that can get you stabbed in the dick with a rusted stainless steel letter opener. “How’s your wife?” Fuck you.