Learning from my past

For what seems to be forever, I have been organizing my “data” hard drive. Often I stumble upon conversations from the past, posts, quotes, contact lists and other goodies. For instance, today I logged into “AIM” for the first time in ages, and I figured out the first name of the white satin panties girl! A name I had long ago buried in the depths of my head.

I also found a few names of some old friends I’ve been trying to dig up, but most of them are ghosts. Among the morsels I came across, I found a conversation that I had with a friend whom I was flirting with at the time. There are some very telling statements in there that gaveΒ me pause, but I must accept them as my truth.

These old documents and stuff have been teaching me more about myself than I can remember. It’s pretty cool, and my only regret is that I didn’t keep more. I had a journal, long lost, where I wrote about first falling in love with who would go on to become my son’s mom. I still remember staying up an entire night, looking out the window, just to see her leaving to go to the “Circle Line.” Once she left, I went to sleep.

Enough of that though, for your entertainment, here are some of the statements I made to a girl we will call J.

J: we have to get to know each other
J: so lets play a game..
J: i say one crazy random fact about myself
J: then you go
J: πŸ˜€
Arodomus: Ok..
J: i am biased and think my kitty is the best cat in the world
Arodomus: I don’t like cats. They scare me. Ever since I slept in my aunt’s place and awoke with 2 cats on top of me.. :-
J: gummie bears rock my world
Arodomus: I love pizza.
J: me too!
J: i very seldom wear black t-shirts
Arodomus: I was a virgin till 19
Arodomus: lol
J: i was too :-D. i have only been w. one guy (my ex)
J: and i think sex is overrated
J: πŸ˜›
Arodomus: Not if you spiritually connected with the partner though.
J: well we didnt
Arodomus: When you are really into the person, like really into them.. It can be great..
Arodomus: Just the same if you are not it sucks..
J: yeah…i dont plan on having sex for a long time..lol..i really do not care for it…
J: no big to me…
J: i guess it was the whole partner issue..but whatever
Arodomus: No sweat.. πŸ™‚
Arodomus: One day you will experience what it’s meant to be like. Until then it’s no issue. πŸ™‚
J: yup, one day..i am not worried…
J: πŸ˜›
Arodomus: Ok.. your turn right??
Arodomus: or mine?
J: hhmm…i said i think sex is overrated
J: so it is your turn
Arodomus: I lack self confidence and overcompensate with my physique and behavior.
J: i wish i had smaller breasts bc it is hard to find shirts
Arodomus: I wish I was a little taller… Maybe 2 or 3 inches.. Hehehe
J: i have recentlly within the past 6 mths grown in insatiable want to learn
Arodomus: I finished my BA in 3 years
J: wow!
J: my skin does not tan…i just burn then turn white again
J: i wish i could get tan, but i have learned to embrace it..
J: πŸ˜€
Arodomus: I obsess over my body..
J: i can tell
Arodomus: no matter how good i get
Arodomus: it’s never enough
Arodomus: insecurity..
J: so what makes you happy?
Arodomus: You know, I honestly have yet to find that..
J: i see…
J: so do you like your partner’s body to be “perfect” too?
J: sculpted..health nut? great curves…
Arodomus: Nope..
J: or would you date a chubbier or even thinner girl
Arodomus: either or.. i don’t seek out that which i strive for..
Arodomus: you know?
Arodomus: it’s just my own b.s issues

All quite interesting and very telling into how I viewed and felt about myself. Clearly confidence has always been an issue, not being good enough, not reaching my goals. I did manage to mention that I earned a college degree at an accelerated pace, but the focus seems to be on my short comings as opposed to my accomplishments. That’s something that I have improved on greatly since then, but there is always more room for growth.

Here’s to growth!

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**DISCLAIMER**
Please take note of the date on a post as it may be an old, outdated viewpoint. I keep those old posts to show my evolution and progress as a human being. We all make mistakes and say dumb stuff. Hiding it doesn't help anyone and real growth matters. Own your flaws so that others may learn from them. Finally, the opinions and views expressed here are solely those of the respective authors.
Angel Rodriguez

Angel Rodriguez

Angel covers fitness, social issues, reviews, news & more! He's a veteran, tech and fitness pro which has been featured on Huffpo, NatGeo, NPR, NY1, HLN, Men's Fitness, MTV, & other major platforms. Angel is also Brazilian Jiujitsu White belt.
Angel Rodriguez