When I was in my twenties, there was one friend in particular who would cuddle and snuggle up with me, but we’d never go beyond that. It was understood that this was the limit. She made it clear, and I respected it. Even so, that was extremely confusing to me, this was not something that “just friends” did. Clearly we were walking some special line here.
Of course, being the person that I am, I’d bring it up and ask about it. She told me that she enjoyed the comfort and warmth that came from being held by me. She said the dude she was seeing was a “wham bam and thank you mam” type of situation. Basically a booty call. I was fulfilling a different need for her. Truth be told, it was not only for her, but also for myself. I did enjoy it.
It was weird, I was providing some of the “intimacy” of being a partner, without enjoying all of the benefits that come from being her lover. I was meeting those emotional needs for her, and myself as well, but the other needs were not being met there.
As a man, this situation made me feel like a sucker. You know what I mean? On one hand, I enjoyed the warmth of her body, the scent of her hair, how soft and tender her skin felt to my fingers. I loved having her body entangled with mine, and I know she did too. However, I found it kind of odd that I could provide that, but was stopped short of satisfying each others physical needs.
In my life experience, this sharing of intimacy was a precursor to making love. I figured it was only a matter of time, and eventually the chips would fall where they should. In fairness to her, she did tell me the score, and I knew and accepted it. So there was no deception here, the cards were all on the table. I went along with it, but during a period in my life where just months earlier I had been intimate with up to 3 different women in one day, it made me feel stupid that I was being “special friend zoned” if that makes sense? I suppose that part of it ego and part of it was jealousy. I am far from perfect now, but I was even worse then. Still though, I don’t think you can completely blame me for the way I felt. One could argue that I was even more deserving of her attentions than booty call guy.
In my mind, I was doing part of the “work” that the other guy was supposed to do to earn the right to have this woman. I was making the time and emotional investments that are required to become one’s lover, but he was getting that physical pleasure and I was not. I felt cheated and like a sucker. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and the girls would “like me, but didn’t want to ruin the friendship.” Meanwhile, they gave their bodies to undeserving men. Ah, history repeated itself, even as an older guy. LOL
When I thought about it back then, it made me feel really weird, it nearly made me nauseous thinking of some other man touching this woman who I was holding in my arms, but even so I still didn’t want to stop doing it. Life is strange like that y’all. Sometimes we get pulled into odd situations that we’d never expect participating in.
Have you ever experienced anything like that?
Growing Up Bronx
Please note the date on a post as it may be an old viewpoint. I keep old posts to show my evolution. The opinions and views expressed here are solely those of the author.