Am I depressed?

So I’m playing some “spa music” in the background and I feel a kind of sadness wash over me. I kind of feel like it is always there, but I drown it out by always just doing something. I ask myself, am I depressed? Do I seek this sadness intentionally? Am I lost in darkness? Do I yearn for the pain secretly?

To this day, I don’t really know if I’ve ever been depressed. I know that I feel sad a lot, but I have no real reason to feel that way. Sure, I can create reasons for you, I can make many up as to why I feel this way. But are those really the causes? Or am I just a glutton for punishment? Do I seek to keep myself trapped in this place?

Next I feel angry, but again, I don’t have any real reason for that feeling. Why am I feeling this rage inside? Looking for a reason, I then feel regret over the many mistakes I’ve made throughout my life, but is that reason I’m angry now? I’m annoyed that my body aches, but I’m also grateful it still carries me.

My dog wants to go out, I feel pressure and frustration as she’s disrupting my work, but I love her more than life and I’m happy to see her here, my companion. I pick her up and hug her. I want to cry and feel the tears coming, but she’s staring at me and it makes me laugh out loud. She’s so damn cute. She licks my arm.

I feel resentment towards life for my problems, yet I can still appreciate all the good I have. I have so many contradictions in my head that cause me so much pain and confusion. A wave of dizziness passes over me. It’s gone.

Am I depressed? Am I “something else?” The hell if I know! I’m some sort of jacked up, but I’m also a survivor. I don’t know much about what is going on in this head of mine, but what I do know is that I am still here pushing through the days. You just gotta keep pushing through, right? Yeah bro, just push on.

Am I depressed? Nah, I”m alright.