BJJ, Marriage, and Trust: Dealing with My Wife Training with Men

I’ve been training BJJ on and off since 2004. My wife started in a women’s program, but now she’s in the general program, where men and women train together. And despite being in BJJ for so long—or exactly because I’ve been in BJJ so long—I really hate the idea of other men touching my wife in training.

When I really sit and think about it, it eats at my mind and makes me trip. I don’t like it. The thought of her mounting some dude or some dude in her guard? Nah, man. It hits me on such a deep, primal level that it actually scares me because I thought that dangerous part of me was buried deep. I hate jealousy. I grew up in a very jealous and possessive environment. I became that person for a time, and I hated living like that. I’ve done a lot of self-work, and I thought I was past all that, but apparently, I’m not entirely free of that demon. It’s still in me—controlled, but there. I’m trying my best to be cool, to push it out of my head, but clearly, I’m struggling.

I Trust My Wife. I Don’t Trust Men.

I trust my wife. I believe she does everything innocently and with good intentions. But I don’t trust men. I’ve heard how we talk in locker rooms. I know how we think. I’m not saying every dude on the mats is trying to smash, but let’s not kid ourselves—some definitely are.

And maybe this is all in my head, but there’s one guy in particular she’s trained with more than once. Could be nothing. Could be just training. But I also trust my gut, and my gut is telling me to take note.

I don’t want to be that jealous guy. Like I said, I hate that emotion. I’m not a damn cuck, though, and I’m not gonna sit quiet just to “look secure” if I see some dude trying to be slick with it. So I made her aware of my thoughts about this.

This One Moment Bothered Me More Than It Should Have

That same day, after class, I went to hug my wife a few times. She let me hug her for about ten seconds, then pushed me away. Now, I get it—sometimes people just need space—but in my head, all I could think about was how she just spent over an hour training with some dude, but I can’t get a proper hug? In essence, she spent more time in physical close contact with another man than with me. That just didn’t sit well with me.

I think it’s inevitable—when you spend a lot of time with people, you start to form bonds. It happened in the military, and it happens in sports, especially in a sport like BJJ. When you sweat and train together, you form bonds, and they run deep. I know because I’ve been there for years. So, you’re forming these bonds, and that’s great, but let’s not neglect bonding with me at home.

The Bigger Fear: What If?

I love my wife, and I know she loves me. But even Tom Brady lost his chick to a BJJ guy. Hypergamy is real, and my mama ain’t raise no fool. I don’t trust many men with my woman. I don’t care if you’re a saint in the flesh. We all get hard, and we all love to bang. Given the opportunity, how many of you would turn down some ass?

And that’s the thing. If a day ever came when my wife wanted to leave me for some other dude, should I even try to stop it? Or do I stick to what I always say—if they don’t want to be with you, you can’t and shouldn’t want to force them? So do you let it happen, or do you play defense? Well, that’s a whole other conversation, isn’t it?

So Now What?

I don’t like that my wife trains with men. I don’t know if I ever will. But I also don’t want to create an issue over it. She’s never given me a reason to be jealous, and we already had a heated discussion when she first brought this up. She made her decision, and I respected it. But now here we are, and I’m struggling with it more than I thought I would.

I don’t know the right answer here. Maybe I just need to check myself. I’ve made my concerns known, and really, that’s all I can do without going into territory I don’t want to go into. So I’m just trying to be cool about it—even though it’s really messing with me at times.

Thanks for raising me in this toxic way, Pops. That side of me has been controlled for years, a salsa class and now BJJ have disturbed the beast. At least I’m aware of it and trying to control it.