BJJ, Marriage, and Trust: Dealing with My Wife Training with Men

I’ve been training BJJ on and off since 2004. My wife started in a women’s program, but now she’s in the general program, where men and women train together. And despite being in BJJ for so long—or exactly because I’ve been in BJJ so long—I really hate the idea of other men touching my wife in training.

When I really sit and think about it, it eats at my mind and makes me trip. I don’t like it. At all. The thought of her mounting some dude or some dude in her guard? Nah, man. It hits me on such a deep, primal level that it actually scares me. I hate jealousy. I grew up in a very jealous and possessive environment. I became that person, and I hated living like that. I thought I was past all that, but apparently, I’m not entirely free of that demon. It’s still in me—controlled, but there. I’m trying my best to be cool, to push it out of my head, but clearly, I’m struggling.

I Trust My Wife. I Don’t Trust Men.

I trust my wife. I believe she does everything innocently and with good intentions. But I don’t trust men. I’ve heard how they talk in locker rooms. I know how they think. I’m not saying every dude on the mats is trying to smash, but let’s not kid ourselves—some definitely are.

And maybe this is all in my head, but there’s one guy in particular—a helper at the gym—who seems to be giving my wife a lot of personal attention. I’ve never seen him be this dedicated to any one person before. Could be nothing. Could be just training. But I also trust my gut, and my gut is telling me to take note.

I don’t want to be that guy, but I’m not a damn cuck either. I’m not gonna sit quiet just to “look secure” if I see some dude trying to be slick with it. If something seems off, I have to speak on it—because if I don’t let it out, I’ll self-destruct.

This One Moment Bothered Me More Than It Should Have

That same day, after class, I went to hug my wife a few times. She let me hug her for about 10 seconds, then pushed me away. Now, I get it—sometimes people just need space—but in my head, all I could think about was how she just spent over an hour rolling with this helper dude, but I can’t get a proper, long hug? In essence, she spent more time in closer physical contact with him than with me. That just didn’t sit well with me. At all.

The Bigger Fear: What If?

I love my wife, and I know she loves me. But even Tom Brady lost his chick to a BJJ instructor. Hypergamy is real, and my mama ain’t raise no fool. I don’t trust any man with my woman. I don’t care if you’re a saint in the flesh—no man.

And that’s the thing. If a day ever came when my wife wanted to leave me for some other dude, should I even try to stop it? Or do I stick to what I always say—if they don’t want to be with you, you can’t and shouldn’t want to force them? Do you let it happen, or do you play defense? That’s a whole other conversation, isn’t it?

So Now What?

I don’t like that my wife trains with men. I don’t know if I ever will. But I also don’t want to create an issue over it. She’s never given me a reason to be jealous, and we already had a heated discussion when she first brought this up. She made her decision, and I respected it. But now here we are, and I’m struggling with it more than I thought I would.

I don’t know the right answer here. Maybe I just need to check myself. Maybe I need to talk to her again. But for now, I’m just trying to be cool about it—even though it’s really messing with me.

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