I’ve been training BJJ on and off since 2004. My wife started in a women’s program, but now she’s in the general program, where men and women train together. And despite being in BJJ for so long—or exactly because I’ve been in BJJ so long—I really struggle with the idea of other men having close physical contact with my wife during training.
When I really sit and think about it, it bothers me more than I want it to. I don’t like the feeling. The thought of her in close positions with some guy on the mat hits me on a deep level that surprises me. I’ve worked hard on myself to move past jealousy. I grew up around a lot of it and didn’t want to be that person. But clearly, some of that feeling still lingers. It’s controlled to an extent, but it’s there. I’m doing my best to stay calm and push it away, but it’s a tough mental battle sometimes.
I Trust My Wife. I’m Wary of Other Men.
I completely trust my wife. I believe she approaches everything in good faith and with good intentions. But I have some reservations about certain guys. I know how conversations and attitudes can be in some gym environments. I’m not saying every guy is looking for something beyond training, but it’s realistic to acknowledge that it can happen.
There’s one particular guy she’s trained with more than once. It might just be training, but I also trust my instincts, and they tell me to stay aware.
I don’t want to come off as overly jealous. I’ve been there, I didn’t like it, and I don’t want to go back. But I also don’t want to ignore my feelings or let things slide if I notice something off. I’ve talked to my wife about how I feel.
This One Moment Bothered Me More Than I Expected
After class one day, I tried to hug my wife a few times. She let it happen briefly but then pulled away. I understand needing space sometimes, but in my head, all I could think about was how she’d just spent over an hour training closely with another man while I couldn’t get a proper hug. That feeling didn’t sit right with me.
I recognize that spending a lot of time with people naturally leads to forming bonds. I’ve seen it in the military and in sports, especially something like BJJ where you’re physically close and put a lot into training together. Building those connections is a good thing, but it’s important not to lose sight of the connection with me at home.
The Bigger Fear: What If?
I love my wife, and I believe she loves me. But I can’t deny the fear that comes with knowing close bonds could open doors to something more. People can be attracted to others, especially in environments where there’s a lot of physical interaction. It’s human nature to notice, and it’s natural to worry about how that might affect a relationship.
If a day ever came when my wife wanted to leave me for someone else, I wonder whether trying to prevent it would be right. Or should I accept that if she doesn’t want to be with me, I can’t force things? That’s a complex question, and it’s something I’m still thinking through.
So Now What?
I don’t love the fact that my wife trains alongside men. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be fully comfortable with it. But I also don’t want to cause problems where there are none. She’s never given me a reason to doubt her, and we already had a serious talk when she decided to join the mixed classes. I respected her choice. Still, I’m finding it harder than I thought to just let this go.
I don’t know the perfect solution. Maybe I need to check myself more. I’ve shared my feelings, and that’s really all I can do without crossing boundaries I don’t want to cross. So for now, I’m working on staying calm and managing this as best I can, even though it challenges me sometimes.
Growing up in a complicated environment left a mark on me that I thought I’d worked through. Salsa classes and now BJJ have brought some of that back to the surface. At least I’m aware of it and trying to keep it in check.
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