Have you pooped on yourself?

Most of you will lie to me about this question. Not many people will answer the question, “Have you pooped on yourself?” honestly. It’s nasty, embarrassing, and not very adult like. But, I’m here to tell you, that I have pooped on myself. It’s not something I’m proud of, it’s not something that I could control, and it happened.

Junior High School Poop

The first time it happened to me, I was in Junior High School. The bathrooms were a very dangerous place for guys like me. Going in there generally ended with you getting beat up, and taking a dump in there was social suicide. When the urge hit me, I grabbed my belongings, and I dipped. Before I could get out of the school, the poop came out. There was no turning back, I just pooped myself in school, I had to escape.

After walking around a bit, I managed to find a non-monitored doorway out of the school. I peeked into the yard, and when I saw the coast was clear I ran across to the outside before the dog or security could get me. I had to squeeze through the gate, and then I began walking towards the Grand Concourse. One of my classmates was also outside, and he wanted to talk, I greeted him, kept my distance, and spoke for a few minutes without getting to close. I didn’t want him to smell the poop.

Eventually, I got away from the guy, and I dipped to the train. I got on, and waited. Once it came, I got on, and make no mistake, I smelled like poop by this point. When I got on the train, people started to make faces as the smell hit them. I too made faces as if trying to figure out where the smell came from. This was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

When I got home, I ran to the bathroom to clean up and eliminate the evidence. One of my neighbors saw me, an older brother of a friend, and he wanted to hang out. I ignored him and proceeded to throw my dirty underwear out the bathroom window. I think the porter was down there as he started to scream and curse at whichever damn kid did that. Fortunately, I wasn’t the only size medium underwear kid in the line of apartments. But man was he pissed about that, and rightfully so. Flying, poop filled underwear? That will ruin any man’s day!

I’d like to offer a long overdue apology to this porter, this wasn’t cool, and it was totally an accident. However, confessing would have incriminated me in so many ways. I had to keep quiet and let it die out. That was probably one of the worst episodes of pooping myself that I’ve had.

The Shart

Look people, sometimes you might think that you got a little gas in you, and you go to relieve some of that pressure in your colon, and well, oops. That wasn’t just air, some poop joined the party. It can’t be that uncommon a thing, there is a name for it, “shart,” a combination of fart and sh*t.

Food Poisoning

Other times, you had that really bad meal, and well, you end up pooping yourself while asleep. This only happened to me once, and I was really sick, but yeah, this one was really gross. Fortunately, I had the good sense to know that I was really messed up, and I wore extra underwear, long pants, and I tried to create a barrier with a homemade diaper of sorts. Hey, I knew I was jacked up, and that this accident was a possibility. My proactive prevention probably saved my damn mattress back then!

The Running Poop

Then there was that time that I went on a run. The urge to go hit me when I was about 2 miles running distance from home. I had no metrocard, and I couldn’t find a bathroom. I tried to find a spot to go that might be private where I could release some of the pressure, but it seemed that everywhere had people. So I did what any runner would do in that situation, I took a dump as I continued running. I mean, I was screwed, I might as well save my run from being screwed. I released the grossness, continued running, and eventually made my way home. Fortunately, the poop was packed nice and tight into my undies, and only a little liquid managed to leak down my leg as it mixed with my sweat. Gross. Those undies were also discarded. But, I didn’t launch them out the window, I knew better now.

These events are not things that I share with pride, but it’s real, and it happened to me. I can’t remember any other bathroom accident events other than peeing my bed until I was like 11 or something, but that’s another blog post altogether. So, did you ever poop yourself?