I'm Ashamed Of Myself

I’m ashamed of myself. I’ll tell you why, I let someone get under my skin. An entity with no name, no face, just some very hurtful words. I failed myself and I let this person get the better of me. By that I mean that I let them occupy space in my head.

In the span of a few minutes, they caused me to doubt my path and to question all that I have achieved during the last few months.

Let’s restate some of those things, you know, for good measure.

Weight Loss and Improved physical appearance.
From 270 pounds or so, to 195 pounds. Though, I’m still not at target, I’m much closer than I have been in years.

Improved quality of life and overall functionality.
I feel so much better. No more migraines, I’m not out of breath when walking up a flight of steps, and my wife can wrap her arms around my mid section again. LOL. 

Landed an amazing full time job.
I love my job and the range of experiences it has afforded me.

Picked up as a Health Contributor for the Huffington Post.
As a blogger, this was a major achievement for me. I love Huffpo, and when I started writing, the first goal I set was “I will write for The Huffington Post.”

Picked up as an Upworthy Paid Contributor.
Lifestyle blogging. Coming soon.

Picked up as a ZLiving Paid Contributor.
Fitness Columns. Coming soon.

Television Show Syndicated
This was kind of cool. My show was resuscitated and is making the round on various television networks in the U.S and Asia. It’s still kind of cool when someone recognizes you from tv.

Chart Topping Hit Song
The song I was featured on in India became a number one best seller, and is still topping charts.

Certified fitness instructor.
I took and aced the group exercise exam for AFAA, and I am now officially a certified instructor. I recently led my first group class, and everyone who came loved it.

Not too bad for a fat loser, right? Humans all deal with insecurities in life, especially those of us who have struggled with “body issues” and “self confidence” all along. This person hit a nerve, they fanned the existing doubt in my heart, and even made me question friendships and loyalties. In short, this person got to me, but they didn’t break me. I’m still here.

When something like this happens to me, I take it as a learning and growing experience. I silently thank the person, because they showed me how weak I can be. As strong as I may think I am, they reminded me that I am still quite vulnerable. If the words of a meaningless non-entity like this person can influence my thought process, even for a few minutes, then that means that I still have plenty of internal growing to do. I thank them for reminding me of that. Also, my reach is still growing, should the time come where it grows even more, experiences like this one will prepare me for the onslaught of attacks that will come with the added visibility. Whew, imagine how legit celebrities must feel, no wonder they say they don’t read what people say about them.

As a logical thinker, it was clear to me that their intent was to cause pain. It was even clearer that most of what they said is untrue. The statements that this person made, are similar to the statements a xenophobe may make about Muslims. “Every Muslim hates America, everyone of them is the same,” or in this case, “Everyone hates you, and is laughing at you.” Both statements are obviously untrue, anyone with even a basic level of intelligence knows this. There is no way that anyone can query, and get every single person on board in any thought process. Especially considering that several of the particular population in question were out eating dinner with me the day before. Obviously, the statement as a whole is untrue. Although, I will acknowledge that it may be true among the attacker’s circle of friends, but who the hell are they to me? What do they contribute to my life?Absolutely nothing, not a damn thing! However, someway, somehow, I allowed the doubt to penetrate my mind. It certainly doesn’t help that I am battling a terrible cough and cold at the same time.

I wanted to share this with you guys, because I want my internal struggles to be visible. Some people have this wrong impression of me, they think that I am so strong, so outgoing, and that absolutely nothing can get me down. Nothing could be further from the truth. My life has been an ongoing series of battles not only against the demons in my head, but many times, the outside world too. Every once in awhile, I’ll make the mistake of allowing an outside person to enable and empower my demons. I recently wrote about this, and how I don’t allow it to happen. Yet, here we are! I slipped up!

Even while all this nonsense was happening, I learned of a young man who lost his life recently. He was full of wit, humor, and had a lot of caring friends. Now he’s gone. I felt even more ashamed of myself when I learned of this sad news. Life is so short, so why do we allow these insignificant people to occupy our thoughts, when we could be gone tomorrow? Rest in peace BH. We never met in person, but it was a pleasure knowing you on the interwebz.

I’ll keep getting better at this life thing.

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