Growing up, I was a huge Nirvana fan. During my years of teenage angst, Kurt’s music was there to speak to something deep inside me. I dressed like him, grew my hair like him, and I was a poet just like he was. It was a strange time for me. I remember one time I was calling in to Z100 to try and get tickets to one of his shows in Rome, and when they picked up the phone, they said “Z100” and I thought I was the hundredth caller. I started jumping and screaming, “Yes, Yes, Yes!” Then the person said that the contest was over. I was so upset.
Soon after, Kurt Cobain took his own life. I realized that I would never, ever, ever have a chance to see him perform live. At the time, I was already dealing with teenage angst, so I was feeling down and struggling a lot. Then my hero at the time took his own life. This was a turning point for me. I was tired of being bullied and tired of having to fight. I was in a very difficult place, and my hero had reached that same place. This started a period of deeper depression for me, and one day my mom walked into my room and found me in a very troubling situation. It was a dark time for me.
At that point, my mom became really worried and realized that I was not just an angry teen. She made me start counseling, and I began seeing Freddy Baez, a man who I would later credit with saving my life. I was a poet, and Freddy used my poetry to connect with me, to help me express and release my pain. Since then, writing has been my go-to form of expression.
That was my relationship with Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. HBO is putting out a documentary on Kurt and his life, Montage of Heck. His daughter Frances Bean Cobain, who is 22 years old now, was involved in the process. His wife, Courtney Love, was not allowed to have editing rights because she was reportedly too close to the story. Given her history in the public eye, that was probably a reasonable decision.
As a huge fan of Cobain, I look forward to watching this. I tweeted his daughter, but I don’t expect to hear back from her. In any case, were you a fan of Nirvana? How did you feel when Cobain took his own life?
Photo by Getty Images