Every once in a while, I see him on my walk to the subway as he walks to school. I always give him a kiss and a hug. This morning I was walking into the subway as he and his mom were exiting, so I quickly rubbed his head lovingly and kept moving. I didn’t get to hug him, as any New Yorker knows that you don’t stop moving in crowded morning rush hour stairwell traffic!
As I continued to walk, I felt bad. My son just walked by me and I didn’t get to hug him, my son who should be with his father always. My thoughts are on my son, the little man with the “Angry Birds” shirt that just smiled at me, the little man who just walked past me on a subway stairwell. My son.
This moment I’m having with myself brings to light a much greater issue that we as a people face in this country. I was researching Latino divorce rates to present some facts and figures and found it intriguing that statistically, our divorce rate is actually second to Asians in this country. Various sources confirm that; some data is a bit dated, yet these types of data usually take years to compile.
As I was reading and researching, though, I realized that in order to get a divorce, you have to be married first. How many of our people actually get married? Considering that, I decided that this was not the best measure for my article. Perhaps it is better to ask why, according to the CDC, over 50% of childbirths among Hispanics were from unmarried mothers.
Moving past that, let’s ask why so many Latino men, and others alike, are not with their children. Whether due to divorce, separation, breaking up, or other circumstances like incarceration or substance abuse, many fathers are not present in their children’s lives.
It’s a complicated cycle. I initially titled this “I am my father’s son” because my father treated my mom poorly. He was unfaithful, they fought a lot, and ultimately he was gone from our home. My dad became a weekend warrior dad. Now, fast forward some 25 years later, and here we are. Like father, like son. I only hope the chain stops here. As a father, nothing breaks my heart more than when my son asks me “why don’t we live together” or when I have to drop him off, say goodbye, and walk away. It’s a heart wrenching feeling.
With each generation, a family is supposed to improve. I have improved in some ways but fallen short in others. I finished college, I have a great job, and though things got complicated at home, I am still a devoted father to my son. I am always present and take great care of him. But isn’t it a shame that in this society, people are surprised when a man says “I take care of my kids”? People have applauded me and said things like “Wow, you are a real man, you take care of your kids.” What do you mean? Isn’t that what a father is supposed to do?
I read an article on the Library of Congress website where men in prison were provided free greeting cards to send to their mothers, and nearly every man participated. Later, motivated by this turnout, the same offer was made for fathers, but nobody participated. Why? Because many of them grew up without their fathers. Is it any wonder that some ended up in prison? There is a documented correlation between absentee fathers and juvenile delinquency. This is a challenging reality in urban culture and in Latino culture as well. I know of many cases where men are not present for their children at all. It’s unfortunate.
Personally, I can’t understand how a man can father a child and then not be involved in their life. Yes, I am divorced and I don’t live with my son, but my son knows me well as his dad. I am his protector, his friend, confidant, advisor, and financial provider. I share these roles with his mother, along with the role of authority when he needs guidance. He seems to respect me deeply, and that respect was earned with words and actions, never violence. We tend to rely on power and intimidation to get what we want, but as a father, I have built my connection with my son through an open, honest relationship. Stern when necessary, but always based on mutual respect. I respect my son, and he respects me. That respect translates into a deeper connection and love for one another. Our bond is strong and meaningful, one to rival many parents who actually live with their child.
My message to the fathers out there is this: be a father. If you have a child, simply be there for them. If you bring a beautiful little nene or nena into this world, be there. The kids need their fathers. I understand sometimes things don’t work out with a marriage, and I’m not questioning that. I’ve been there. Your reasons are your reasons, but the child is never at fault and should not suffer neglect or abandonment because you and mom split up. Regardless of what happens between you and your baby’s mamita, you should be there as a father for your hijos.
I want my son to have a bright future. I want him to go to college, to succeed. I want him to improve on my achievements. He carries the torch for my familia, the next generation, the next improvement. What better way to put the odds in his favor than being there for him, giving him all I can, even if it’s just a hug in the morning on the way to our respective locations.
As a community, what can we do to improve this condition among Latinos and for society as a whole? Please sound off in the comments with any suggestions or perspectives you’d like to share.