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There are times that I lay in bed, eyes wide open, staring at ceiling, completely awake. I lay there, waiting for sleep, ready to enter slumber land. I start to think of my son, my mother, my father (RIP), my sisters, my nephews, my wife, my friends, and I find that though I have loved ones, at times I can still feel lonely. These thoughts come forth mostly when I lay down to sleep at night. Nights can be great, but they can also be rough. At times I wonder if these guys are thinking of me, as I think of them.
Today I found a new music track, and I began to write. Mind you, when I start to work on a new music track, I don’t always come with an agenda. Today I sat, closed my eyes, and let the song bring out the words. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I have poems or lyrics written, but at times I don’t. Today, I didn’t. Here is what started coming out:
Never by myself, but still I’m all alone
Lost inside my mind, nowhere else to roam
I try to rise on up, but still I’m sinking slow
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go
I wonder if they know how much I love them. Do they know that I care? I believe I have shown it many times. I know that I have also said it, but it never feels like it’s enough. There is always “so much to do” and never enough time to show everyone how much you really love them. Is there?
I am sorry that I cannot be there for you all as much as I would like to. Sometimes the hurt I feel is great, it can overwhelm me. Not being able to be there as much as I’d like to makes me feel as though I have failed as a son, brother, father, friend, and fellow human being. I try, and I know that is the best we can do. Sometimes I hurt so much that I become cold and distant from everyone, this is an automatic reaction to protect myself from the hurt. I know that’s not the right way to handle this type of thing, and I’m working on it.
In any case, I leave you all this note. To all of you that I love, please know that I DO love you very much. If a day comes that I am no longer here, know that I have always tried to be a good person to you. I’ve always tried to walk the right path. I’ve tried to do the right things in life, for you, for me, and for humanity. I have always tried to be supportive, and to be there, I have tried. I have not always been successful at these, and other things, but I want you to know that I have always, and I will always love you.