Was I being a cyber stalker?

You know, in life, sometimes we do things that we are not proud of. We have all been at that point so low in our lives that we do things that we would not normally do. Don’t act like you haven’t been there, we know you have.

This morning I came to a very important realization, something I had overlooked for nearly two decades. Lily (My one and only) from The Smashing Pumpkins album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is about a freaking stalker! I guess I never stopped and actually absorbed the meaning of this song. Holy crap! It’s about a stalker.

Complete and total mind blowage!

As I speedily walked towards my soon to depart subway train, I found myself thinking back on a woman whom I was very in love with. At least, I think I was, but who the hell knows when it comes to matters of the heart. In any case, there was a period when I felt I was completely, totally, and helplessly in love with her. I cannot count on my fingers the number of times that I cried myself to sleep, or woke up suffocating from a dream about her. She occupied my every waking moment. I loved her, and I needed to have her back.

The thing is that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. She refused my phone calls. She refused my text messages. She never replied to my emails, and she would not make any time for me. We shared friends in common, so I’d ask them to ask her to meet with me. Most of them refused as they didn’t want to get involved in my mess. On the rare occasion that they did help me, they’d only come back and tell me that she laughed at my pain. However, I am a persistent son of a gun. I knew she was just being stubborn. I’m the guy she loves, and I’ll crack that shell of hers!

I’m a creative guy, don’t you think that I know she changed her email address? I know it is hard for her to see emails from me. She still loves me, and she knows that I still love her too. It drives her crazy having to resist me. She is a proud woman. I made some mistakes, and she has to be strong and make me pay. However, not anymore, she doesn’t have to. See, it’s okay; I’ve suffered enough. She can love me openly again! She’ll come around. Right? She loves me; she must. I mean after all we shared, how could she not love me?

As any creative geek could do, it didn’t take me too long to figure out her new email address. I also found that Xanga blog account she had! Gosh, who’s that weird guy whom she is writing about? The one who keeps reaching out to her and doesn’t get the point? Why doesn’t he leave her alone? Is he stupid or something? Wait a second… Nah, that’s not me. She loves me, and I’ll crack that shell.

I read that post where she was considering a restraining order against this guy bothering her! Man, what a loser! I’ll get her back, and I’ll protect her from him though! She just has to let me back in her life already. Heheh, I remember when we saw Alice Deejay together! They did that song, “Back In My Life.” How fitting is that for us?

Oh crap, look, our country is at war, does she remember I’m in the reserves? They just called me. I’m on standby. I may have to deploy for the war in the Middle East. What is she waiting for? We don’t have time for these games. Acknowledge me already!

For a long time, I continued my all-out assault on her electronic methods of communication. Alas, no acknowledgement or response. Damn, she is one stubborn shell to crack. It took many emails, and years of being ignored to accept that this woman will never acknowledge me again. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot. We shared such beautiful moments together. Until we didn’t, and she is one unforgiving human being.

I don’t know if I was truly in love with her during my cyber stalking episode. Perhaps I was infatuated with the memory of her? I know I was most definitely in love with her when we were together. I loved her with my everything. To this day, I bear the scars of her loss. Though I no longer stalk her, if I could have the opportunity to speak to her again, I would take it. She may not know it or care, but she always has a friend in me. Lol, a stubborn shell to crack indeed.

Have you ever had a stalker moment? If so, share about it in the comments. This is something I’m not very proud of. It’s quite embarrassing. However, it happened, and I have no problem owning it.