The Unspoken Rules of Eye Contact on the NYC Subway: How to Avoid Conflict and Stay Safe

In Ivan Sanchez’s book Next Stop, there is a chapter that touches on a familiar and often unspoken topic, summed up by the phrase “What are you looking at?”

Anyone who grew up in New York City or similar environments understands that these words can signal a range of possible reactions. For those less familiar, they can lead to outcomes varying from a simple verbal exchange to more serious situations.

At the lowest level, it might mean a brief verbal interaction where both people walk away without incident.

At the next level, it can escalate into a physical confrontation, which could involve a fistfight or facing a larger group, sometimes resulting in injuries.

Beyond that, conflicts might involve knives, typically leading to serious injury and hospitalization.

In the most extreme cases, firearms may be involved. Some individuals may avoid direct physical confrontation and instead use weapons from a distance. This progression, referenced in popular music and urban culture, highlights how quickly situations can become dangerous.

Encounters like this still occur in New York City. I was reminded recently while riding the E train. A tall young man was staring at me intensely. I made brief eye contact, then calmly looked back at my phone. Even so, I could sense his attention lingering as I sat there.

As Sanchez describes in his book, I have experienced that unspoken challenge. As a man, it can be difficult to look away because it can feel like conceding something. But with experience comes perspective. I have no interest in dealing with the consequences that can follow ego-driven confrontations.

As a husband, a father, and someone who understands the weight of consequences, I know that engaging in that moment rarely leads to anything good. Many people have suffered serious harm over much less. I have too much at stake to risk that.

Some, especially younger individuals, may not fully appreciate how fragile life is and how permanent the consequences of one impulsive action can be. Acknowledging my own vulnerability, I chose to disengage. There was no immediate danger, and risking much over pride made little sense.

Eventually, I shifted slightly so I was no longer directly in his line of sight. When he noticed, I gave a brief nod—not as an act of aggression but as a way of showing awareness, calm, and no intent to provoke. Often, calm body language and nonhostile signals can help prevent escalation unless someone is already looking for conflict.

I wasn’t especially worried that anything would happen but stayed aware. On a crowded train during rush hour, serious incidents are less likely. Late at night, on quieter lines, the dynamic can change, and the same behavior might carry more risk.

The takeaway is simple: if you’re not prepared for potential consequences, it’s wise to be mindful of where you direct your attention while using public transit. I usually listen to music or read to keep focused. Otherwise, I look downward and stay aware of my surroundings without engaging. Sometimes the best choice is to disengage entirely.

The goal is always the same: avoid unnecessary trouble. There is too much at stake to do otherwise.