Every day carries a heaviness with it. Most of the time I can manage. I go through my routine, handle what needs to be handled, and get by. But then something small happens. A song comes on. I see a video of someone with their dog. A memory surfaces without warning. And in an instant I’m back to that first day, raw and devastated all over again. The grief hits different when it catches you off guard like that. I cry hard. I panic. I feel angry and sad all at once, and it can happen in the blink of an eye. It happened just now as I edited this article and chose a featured image of my doggy. Looking at how cute she was, remember how sweet she was, then seeing her empty bed, I lost it. I drowned in tears, but now I’m stabilized and I’m back to finish. Let’s see if I can finish.

I lost my dog not long ago, and I’m still learning how to carry that loss. What keeps me going is knowing that I didn’t waste the time we had together. When I was with her, I was really with her. I made a conscious choice to be present in those moments because I knew they wouldn’t last forever. I didn’t take them for granted.

After long days at work when she couldn’t walk anymore, I’d carry her downstairs. We’d make it around the block with her in my arms. She’d lick my face. I’d tell her I loved her and show her by being there, by making the effort even when I was tired and hadn’t eaten yet. In those moments I knew I was doing everything I could for her. I was doing right by her.

That knowledge brings me comfort now, even in this difficult season. Knowing that I showed up for her the way she needed me to. Knowing that I was present. Those moments matter more than I realized they would, and I’m grateful I gave them the attention they deserved.