Training attire while being a participant versus an instructor

So I realized that I’m fairly comfortable with wearing a super tight form fitting shirt when I take kickboxing and no gi jujitsu classes. However, I am not willing or comfortable to do the same when I go to the gym to train or teach Zumba or any class for that matter.

Now why is that? I thought about that and it didn’t take long for me to come to a conclusion.

In Zumba or any other format I teach at the gym, I’m an instructor. That means I feel like I should be the standard bearer. Especially as a male instructor teaching zumba! I feel a lot of pressure and judgment from both the eyes of staff and participants.

I know that we live in a brave new world where we are supposed to love and accept our bodies no matter what. I know that we are supposed to be comfortable in our own skin and accepted. I know this, but I’m not there yet. I’ll never judge or shame anyone else, but I am extremely hard on myself.

When I am in kickboxing class, I am just another student. All eyes are on the instructor, they are not on me. No one gives a damn about Angel. Sure, they might notice me because I’m all awkward, I sweat a lot and I’m a pretty loud grunter when struggling. But I’m just a participant, I can afford to suck at this or look sloppy. I am new, I’m working on myself and I’m there to learn and improve. I’m not the leader or the standard bearer like I am in my classes, there I’m just a participant. So while I don’t feel great about how I might look, I don’t really feel as much pressure there.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I should allow myself to dress comfortable and also have less laundry, but this is how I am wired and this is how I feel. So for now, it is what it is.

Do any of you find yourself struggling with body image as well? Have you overcome it, and if so, how did you do it? Please tell me because even at 44 years old, that answer still eludes me.