For the first time ever, I had a situational panic attack. By that, I mean it came about because of something I was doing. I’ve had similar experiences before, but those were chemically induced from past recreational use. Until now, I’d never been completely sober and felt this kind of intense panic and anxiety. This was a true first for me, and it was really unpleasant.
For some context, I had only gotten about three hours of sleep. I woke up at 5 a.m. to be at the hospital by 6:45 a.m. I was already feeling a bit off and hazy from the lack of rest and the change of scenery. The morning was going fine though, and I didn’t expect any issues. This was around my sixth MRI; I’ve never had problems with claustrophobia or small spaces before. Usually, I go in and can even doze off while listening to classical music mixed with the loud, EDM-like sounds of the MRI machine.
This time, though, when the technician put my earplugs on, I started to feel a little nervous. Then she gave me headphones, secured my head with small blocks, and finally placed what felt like a mask on top, sealing me in. When I opened my eyes and looked at this, it felt like the space was closing in on me. She asked if I was okay and I said yes, so we proceeded. Once inside the machine, with my eyes open, I began having trouble breathing; I was shaking, extremely dizzy, and felt like everything was closing in. One of my biggest fears since childhood has been the idea of being buried alive, and it terrified me. I started to panic and asked her to pull me out. She asked if I was sure since the scan was about to start, but I insisted because I was really upset. She took me out immediately.
Afterwards, I apologized repeatedly and explained that I had never experienced anything like that before. I asked for a few minutes to gather myself and said I could try again. She offered to reschedule, but after the long commute and effort to get there, I wanted to finish. I took some deep breaths and began to calm down, then told her we could proceed with another attempt.
This time she offered a blindfold, but I thought that might make things worse since part of my problem was feeling disconnected from my senses. I even asked if I could keep the earplugs off, but she explained it was too loud and I needed them. When I laid down, I closed my eyes and kept them closed for the entire scan. During this second round, I felt much better, though I still experienced waves of panic here and there.
Whenever those feelings hit, I focused on breathing deeply, just like I do daily with the meditative breathing techniques I practice with Open Mat Physio. I also thought about my family’s faces, which helped me smile and relax. Of all the images I pictured to find some calm, Peppa, my little pomeranian, gave me the most comfort.
Seeing her cute face in my mind made me smile. Peppa was a true source of comfort. I also let go of the emergency button because holding it made me more tense. I focused on touch to stay grounded. When I felt dizzy or like I was moving, I reached out to touch nearby surfaces to remind my brain that I was still and safe. That helped a lot.
Overall, considering how scared and panicked I felt, I’m proud of myself for finishing the MRI. I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who deal with this regularly. I suffer from anxiety but never in this way. This was definitely a new experience for me. Have you ever gone through something like this? How do you manage it?
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