There is a question that people have been asking for ages, a question that has many possible answers. There are as many answers as there are people and opinions. No one answer is right, and no one answer is wrong. Or is it? Have we been deceiving ourselves all of this time? Can men and women be friends?
Throughout my days, I’ve had many female friends. There isn’t a time that I can think of when I didn’t have plenty of girl friends. Except maybe when I was a kid. I was kind of awkward and shy. Though I still am a bit timid, as I learned at the gym today; I’m much better at talking to anyone.
By the way, when I say that I have female friends, I mean women whom I regularly hung out with alone. Be it for dinner, a movie night, or just hanging out at the crib. I’m not talking about ladies whom I just saw in a group, or escorted by either of our partners. These are straight-up friends, and we spent plenty of time together as friends.
When I was a single man, I always had ladies coming over to my place. It obviously is not the case these days, but I always had someone over back then.
So you probably think that I was getting a lot of “satisfaction” during those days, right? Since there were always different women were at my place?
Well… That would be a yes and no!
Maybe half of the time, we had some form of romantic interest in each other. Be it for a serious relationship, or just a fun fling. Most of the time it was for more than just fun. I didn’t often waste time or energy on women I didn’t see a value in. And the type of women I like, normally don’t waste their time playing around either. Although on any given day, we can all be a little playful, you know what I’m saying? Sometimes things became romantic or sexual, sometimes they didn’t. That’s how it goes in life boys and girls.
Sometimes we never advanced pass just friends, and have remained that way for decades. Other times we tried going forward as a couple, and if things didn’t pan out in the relationship sector, we grew to become good friends. Sometimes they’d up and disappear, and every once in a great while we were just friends who decided to hook up and remained friends. I had a few of those. It was interesting how we could simply do that and still be cool, as if nothing happened. That’s real friendship right there!
I still remember hanging out with one girl in particular. We were sitting next to each other in my living room. We were talking, and I came in close. I gazed at her, and I parted her hair.
“Don’t hide your pretty face behind all this hair!”
She was very beautiful. The moment seemed right, and I was preparing to go for mine! That is hood speak for “I was going to kiss her.” Then she pulled back from me, and she kind of tilted her head. I got the message loud and clear. However, not one to leave any room for misinterpretation, I bluntly asked her if I was being rejected. She said yes. Ouch, that sucks! You are rejecting me even after that cheesy dope ass line I just dropped? Yes, though the line was apparently appreciated.
Okay, now that we have that dynamic settled, let’s pick the movie we are going to watch and enjoy a relaxing evening. That was my style as I got older. Rejection sucks, and it stung for a second, but once the cards were all laid out on the table, then you could just enjoy each other’s company.
Does that make any sense? Let me explain. In the early stages of hanging out with you, we are unsure if you are interested in just a friendship, or maybe more. You know what I mean? Men are hunters, and if a woman is interested in hooking up with you, you want to know ASAP! More often than not, be it consciously, or subconsciously, the guy wants you by default. But once something like the above happens, the pressure not to let an opportunity slip is off. You want to know because you don’t want the reason that nothing happens to be that you didn’t even try. After a rejection, I’d just tell them, “You know where I stand, if you ever want anything more, it’s in your hands. I won’t try again.”
This information doesn’t apply to every man, or every friendship. However, I believe that it does a lot of the time. Once you know where you stand, you can proceed accordingly. Some dudes will sell you on the bullcrap that they only want friendship, but believe me, usually they are full of crap. The dude is probably attracted to you, and he CAN be your friend, but that’s because you won’t allow him to be anything more.
Today at the gym, I saw a man and a woman arguing. He was upset because she was talking about other guys the whole time. She was saying that he asked about the guy. To which he responded, I asked for an overview, not to spend the entire time talking about him.
I told them to read this blog post for some advice. Sounds to me like the guy is down for her, otherwise he wouldn’t care if she talks about other dudes the whole time. I had to check a few female friends on that in the past. Especially if I was trying to court them.
“I’m not your gay best friend. Don’t flood me with stories of the guys you are dating, and don’t walk around undressed when I’m over.”
Obviously, I wouldn’t do anything to the lady if she walked around naked, but full disclosure, I’m probably going to desire her sexually, and wonder if you are sending me signals. This happened to me once, the girl was walking around nearly in panties. I had to ask, “Are we going to hook up? Are you sending me signals? I really can’t tell.” She stated no, that she was just being comfortable or what not. I had to remind her that I was not the gay best friend. I’m a man, and you attract me, if you show me your stuff, you are going to provoke my desire for you even more! I’m a human being, with human desires. Again, I’d never just pounce on them, and I hope this doesn’t read that way, but I would definitely desire you even more then.
Anyone who knows me, knows what I am attracted to, take a look at the majority of females I hung out with. Why would I even try to deny it? I’d say that this is a bit more than just a coincidence. They knew it too. Like I said, many grew to become life-long friends, but the physical attraction has always been there. Had they wanted to hook up at the time, it would have happened. If it didn’t, they simply weren’t interested in me that way.
Want to test if the dude wants more than a friendship? Cancel on a “hangout,” tell him this great new guy asked you out and you accepted. Watch how he reacts. If he is truly your heterosexual gay best friend, he won’t mind much. Speaking for myself, I’d be pretty disappointed, and I’d probably let it be known. I’ve seen some dudes lose their mind cause of this!
I almost lost a friend once because she left me in a club alone to go hang out with someone else. Once she told that was her plan, I became highly upset, and pretty much pulled away from her for the little bit of time she was there. That was mistake number one. Then after that I went into an embarrassing drunk texting tirade. That pretty much cost us two years. Though we moved on, that act pretty much killed my chances with her. In my defense, she sent me some strong signs that she was into me. So I took it hard when she said, “I’m going to be leaving to hang out with the UPS guy,” I got really drunk and common sense went out the window.
I got better at dealing with disappointment as I aged. It always sucks when you get rejected, or canceled on, but as I get older it doesn’t matter anymore. It still bothers me a smidgen when someone cancels on me last minute, but it passes nearly instantly. I have so much that I can do these days, and I am much more comfortable doing things by myself so it’s easier to shrug it off.
I know I’m all over the place with this post. I actually renamed it too. It was originally a post about a specific situation, and branched out into this.
So, can men and women, “Just be friends?” Yes they can, but ladies, if he’s hanging around you, odds are he’s interested. Unless he’s gay, then he’s probably not that into you!
Growing Up Bronx