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No, you have not just arrived in the latest trend in internet pornography. What you are about to read is the true story of how a young man made a very big mistake. In a nutshell, no pun intended, you should not chew and eat sunflower seeds whole. You’d imagine that common sense dictates something as simple as this, but laziness and foolishness know no limits. See, when I was younger, I often ate sunflower seeds, at one point I got lazy, and I figured that I just wanted to eat the sunflower seeds more quickly. As such I took a handful of seeds, shoved them in my mouth, chewed them, and I swallowed it all, this left me with sunflower seeds in my butt.
Ladies and gentlemen, the body is not built to digest sunflower seed shells, as such those things had to make their way back out. So if your body cannot digest the shells, why don’t you go ahead and tell me how you think those things are going to come out?
Enter the pain.
If you guessed that the seed shells come out in the exact same shape that they went in, then ladies and gentlemen you are a winner. This was a lesson hard learned, one that taught me not to be so lazy. So yes I had to poop out those shells, and it was quite painful for me. Thankfully, I was a young kid, and I don’t remember the pain of sunflower seed shells stabbing me inside my anus. However, I do remember having to bend over, and my mom attempting to remove the said shells from around my damn butt crack.
Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is a mother’s love. I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t think of too many people that would pick sunflower seed shells out of my butt. If there is ever doubt in your mind as to what real love is, all you have to do is ask yourself who is willing to pick sunflower seed shells out of your butt. That should answer your question and leave no doubt.
I recognize that this is not one of the sexiest stories that you will read. In fact, it is pretty freaking gross, but it’s a true story and there are two takeaways for you from this one.
One, crack the sunflower seed shells, and do not ingest them. Though I’m probably the only fool who has done this in the modern world.
Two, which is the main take away from this story is that no one is going to love you like your mom. No one will pick sunflower seed shells out of your butt, only a mom does that.
So in this new year, and every year thereafter, and every single day, remember you only have one mother! Take care of her, and whenever you feel doubt about life. Whenever you feel like the world has been unfair to you. When you feel that life sucks, remember that there is someone out there who would have probably picked sunflower seeds out of your butt.
By the way, anyone with access to a real Bronx bodega, can you confirm whether or not those little packets still cost 10 cents?