Episode 54 – Jealousy and Possessiveness

I was a very jealous and possessive man when I was younger. I mean it was really bad. My middle sister got the worst of it growing up because I was really overprotective with her and boys. In dating, it was also present for a very long time. I don’t think that it ever truly goes away, but you learn to ignore and control the demon.

Wife: I climbed on this guy’s back in BJJ class and had to hang on as he tried to shake me off. It was funny.

Me: Oh? Word? A guy? I see. I thought this was a woman’s only self defense program, why is a guy there? They said I can’t even come to watch, so what’s up with that?

Wife: Sometimes the coach (male) brings him in to help with some drills that require a more experienced person. Drills such as the triangle and rear naked chokes.

Me: Oh. So how often is the guy there?

Wife: Not often.

Me: Hmm. I see.

LOL. I didn’t press it, cause it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t even have given it a second thought, but I did. That tells me that whatever that demon is, its still inside and alive, though tamed and often silenced.

Anyway, as I got up to pee, I realized that today was a reminder that this person I once was isn’t entirely gone. I just have to actively choose to not allow him to come to the surface and run my mind the way that he used to. I do not let that inner voice run the show or drive my actions anymore. 

I remember one time I nearly got into an escalation with one of my closest buddies because he was in my apartment alone with my then wife without me being there. I just kept thinking of my dad telling me that he’d never bring another man into his home and he would probably hurt a man who enters his home without him being there. But, they were friends too, and I don’t think either of them would ever betray me in that way.

I was young and insecure and dumb. Not too much has changed, I’m now old, still insecure, but not quite as much and not quite as dumb. Though truth be told, I can still be pretty dumb at times.

Jealousy and possessiveness are traits that were ingrained in me at a very young age. I think that both are wasted emotions and if you suffer from either of these demons, you really need to let them go. Trust me, you will be so much happier and better off.

With jealousy as a companion, at best, you are always uncomfortable, suspicious, and unhappy. Not only that, but I bet that you are also making your partner unhappy and more likely to leave you in the long run. At worst, you murder your whole family because you thought you were going to lose them and then spend the rest of your life in prison eventually learning that jealousy is pointless. But by then it’s just a bit too late. No matter how you spin it, no good ever comes from it. So just let it go.