One of my Chinese friends asked me to help her write an article about a story she read and how her life related. I don’t generally write other people’s stories as they are not mine to share, I usually only share my own tales and opinions. However, if a friend asks me to, and is willing to share their stories, then I’m willing to help write them. You’ll remember I shared a series of Chinese blank” rel=”noreferrer noopener”>Guardian report from 2005.
In my view, young women often face even greater expectations. On one hand, they are expected to be ideal wives to attract a “good man,” and on the other, they are encouraged to master skills like playing the violin. Traditionally, women were expected mainly to marry and manage the household; today, however, they are often expected not only to fulfill these roles but also to succeed academically and professionally.
This dual expectation creates substantial pressure. Some literature describes how, in certain traditional contexts, women were valued primarily for producing sons and seen as dependents until they became part of another man’s household. Although this perspective has evolved, it still influences cultural expectations in various communities.
In some rural areas, where modernization has been slower, these traditional views may persist, and women in such settings can face significant challenges. This can also be a factor in mental health issues among women from these regions.
There are always two sides to every story. In “Two Kinds,” we don’t get a detailed history of Amy’s mother or the experiences that shaped her. We only see that she arrived in America after losing everything.
While I do not intend to excuse the behavior of strict parents, understanding their background can offer context for their actions. I will share some personal experiences to help illustrate this.
Though my family story differs from Amy’s, we share similarities found in many immigrant households worldwide. A common thread is the drive for a better life, which motivates many families to make sacrifices.
Growing up, I felt the pressure to succeed academically. Like many Chinese families, we believed that America offers vast opportunities for those willing to work hard. It is sometimes puzzling for immigrants to see homelessness and poverty here, since dedication and sacrifice often lead to success in their view. After a generation or two, many immigrant families have members in professions like medicine and law.
Unlike Amy in Tan’s story, my mother didn’t push me to be a prodigy or shape me in a particular image. Her main expectation was that I focus on and excel in my studies, a lesson that has stayed with me, as I am still pursuing education as an adult.
In “Two Kinds,” Amy’s piano recital is attended not only by her parents but by many community members, subjecting her to broad social scrutiny. This level of communal pressure is common in many Asian families.
Interestingly, pressure flows both ways. It’s not only parents who pressure children but also societal expectations placed on parents. What we see in “Two Kinds” reflects a wider phenomenon across various Asian cultures including Korean, Japanese, and Indian communities. While many families around the world encourage young people, Asian households may have more structured and stringent expectations. Western families also have pressures, though often expressed differently.
I recall attending a Korean child’s first birthday party, where even the games chosen for the child involved symbols of future success, power, and wealth. Although it is a playful tradition, it illustrates how cultural expectations begin very early for children across many Asian communities.
In “Two Kinds,” Amy is older and aware of right and wrong in the context of her family’s expectations. She attends piano lessons but does not push herself beyond the basics, partly because her teacher has a hearing impairment, allowing her some freedom to experiment.
My mother’s motivation for pressuring me to do well was rooted in the hope that I would have a better life. She worked tirelessly to support the family and wanted more opportunities for me.
Before I was born, during the 1960s and 1970s, my mother’s days began very early. She would wake at 3 a.m. and walk about 10 miles carrying baskets filled with heavy farming tools and later filled with harvested crops weighing up to 110 pounds. She worked long hours under harsh conditions before returning home to care for the family. Over time, she learned to shorten travel by riding a bicycle, but machines were scarce, and this labor was the norm. Even my young sister helped on the farm from an early age. Life was very challenging for my family in China back then.
When we came to America, my parents initially worked in factories earning very little, my mother sewing fabric at 10 cents per piece and my father sewing buttons for similarly low pay. Eventually, they saved enough to open a Chinese takeout restaurant.
Healthcare in China was not as accessible or advanced as in America. My mother’s health has benefited from the medical care she accessed here, which may have helped her live longer despite a lifetime of hard work.
When I was about 12 years old, my mother was protective in ways that reflected her concerns about my environment. She would sometimes lock the front door and hide keys, wanting me to focus on school and stay safe in a neighborhood that wasn’t always secure. While these measures may seem strict, they were rooted in care and concern.
Living in New York City exposed me to many different cultures and lifestyles. I have met people from diverse backgrounds including Spanish, Black, Indian, White, and various Asian communities. As a new generation, we strive to be different from our parents in many ways, but the values they instilled remain part of us. I appreciate my parents’ intentions and hope to carry forward their positive qualities while learning from their challenges.
Just a life long New Yorker sharing the journey through my lens.
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