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Growing up I was a huge Nirvana fan. During my years of “teenage angst,” Kurt’s music was there to fuel my inner cravings. I dressed like him, grew my hair like him, and I was a poet just like he was. It was a strange time for me. I remember one time I was calling in to Z100 to try and get tickets to one of his shows in Rome, and when they picked up the phone, they said “Z100” and I thought I was the hundredth caller. I started jumping, and screaming, “Yes, Yes, Yes!” Then the person said that the contest was over. I was so upset.
Soon thereafter Kurt Cobain took his life. I realized that I would never, ever, ever have a chance to see him perform live. Now, as I mentioned before, I was already dealing with teenage angst, so I was depressed and upset all of the time. Then my hero at the time took his own life. This was a turning point for me. See, I was sick and tired of being bullied, I was tired of having to fight. I was ready to give up, and my hero just gave up. This started a period of heavier depression for me, and one day my mom walked into my room, and saw me laying in bed with a knife to my wrist. I had also been carrying a butcher knife to school, like I said, I was tired of fighting and abuse. Technically speaking, I could have been an early, butcher knife version of columbine.
At that point, my mom became really worried and realized that I was not just an angry teen. She forced me to start counseling, and I began seeing Freddy Baez, a man who I would later credit with saving my life. I was a poet, and Freddy used my poetry to connect with me, to help me express and get out my pain. Since then writing has been my go to form of expression.
That was my relationship with Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. HBO is putting out a documentary on Kurt and his life, Montage of Heck. His daughter Frances Bean Cobain, who is 22 years old now, was involved in the process. His wife, Courtney Love was not allowed to have editing rights because she was allegedly to close to the story. Honestly, I don’t know what Love is up to these days, but I recall her being somewhat troublesome, so this was probably a good idea.
As a huge fan of Cobain, I look forward to watching this. I tweeted his daughter, but I don’t expect to hear back from her. In any case, were you a fan of Nirvana? How did you feel when Cobain took his own life?
Photo by Getty Images
Growing Up Bronx